FUNNY MONEY

Blight-wing daisy brains are having a field day over the increasing presence of our new face-lifted currency. Like the jews, who see a Nazi under every bed, the blighters see a conspiracy around every corner. Lawrence Patterson, who sells the expensive Criminal Politics magazine, has been blathering about this money conspiracy for nearly a decade. The bottom line is always "...send me your money and I'll protect it."

U.S. paper currency, in the $500, $1000, $5000, and $10,000 denominations, haven't been printed since 1946 but they are still usable in trade and so on. (The tires of my 1973 Mercury are stuffed with them.) The $100,000 bill was only used between banks. The $2 bill will likely make a comeback but as a Federal Reserve Note (redeemable in nothing but other paper) as opposed to Silver Certificates. This leaves us mainly with the $1, $5, $10, $20, $50 and $100 bills – all Reserve notes.

All U.S. paper currency contained the portraits of U.S. presidents except the $100 (Ben Franklin) and the $10,000 (Sal Chase).

The new $100 bills made their debut in 1996 followed by the $50 in 1997. Now, in 1998, the $20 bills are flooding the streets, but not as rapidly as the La Raza-ites are. Next year, new $10 bills will be issued. The following years will see the new $5 and $1 introduced into the mainstream.

The electronic age has made it desirable to have bills which are not so easily copied. Incorporated in the paper are tiny colored random bits of thread which appear on the surface as if lint. A solid blue thread runs vertically across the left side and very fine engraving has been added.

The portrait – always the hardest to duplicate and the first feature to show wear, since it is located along the center – is now off-center so that continued folding, as in wallets, will not as rapidly deteriorate that image.

A watermark portrait is visible on the right of the face side when the bill is held up to the light.

The lower right number is green when viewed straight on, but black when viewed at an angle.

Many clerks have complained that a $20 is hard to distinguish from a $50. I suggest looking at the portraits. Better yet, turn the bill over. The denomination is large and very evident on the lower right side. This is a feature added for easier recognition by both the visually handicapped and our increasing hordes of foreign free-loaders.

Since all of the sidewalks in our cities have been modified to accommodate the wheelchair crowd, it should come as no surprise that other conveniences will soon be made available for our rapidly increasing number of physical wrecks. It is now a status symbol to have your Lincoln sport a "handicapped" sticker. Where else, but in America, can the stupid, diseased and ugly get preferential treatment while the bright, healthy and beautiful get socked with the tab?

The miniaturization of electronics has now made it possible for anyone to carry about a portable scanning machine for their money which the new issues were, in fact, designed partially for. This is a very valuable asset for low-vision people who are very frequently ripped off by our increasing masses of predators. Many companies will soon begin to advertize such scanning machines and businesses will welcome their incorporation. One might fool the eye, but it's not easy to fool White technology.

At the present time, there is no intent to devalue, or recall, the old money. The banks will simply whisk them out of use whenever they are handed in. The older silver coins are not in circulation – the banks pulled much of them in and hoarders have the rest – but they are still legal tender as are the copper pennies which haven't been minted since 1981.

In the meantime, get sick. Keep popping all of those drugs – legal, doctor prescribed, or not. Avoid animal foods. Avoid fat like the plague and eat plenty of those super-market concoctions formulated only with profits in mind. Don't be afraid of the edible lubricants and artificial moisteners which are in abundance in your cookies. Remember that if it is loaded with synthetic vitamins, then it qualifies as something nutritious to eat. Hog down all of the unnatural hydrogenated oils that you can endure. Swill carbonated beverages by the case. When a new "food" is introduced, ask yourself whether the manufacturer had his profits, or your health, in mind. Remember always, to be cheap by buying cheap. And above all, get into the "fitness" craze for a clean-cut body means that more nooky – orgasms, AIDS, syphilis, herpes, and so forth – will be coming your way. Be an idiot. It pays. Believe that God put you on earth to screw anything that you could get your hands on. Believe that there is an F.B.I. agent hiding in your closet. Why not go look right now? You can never tell.

by Robert Frenz

29 October 1998